I would love at this stage to introduce Charlie but I’ll need to be patient for just a little while longer and wait for Christmas, in hope he’ll find a few spare moments to reflect and write down his thoughts and feelings. We’ve talked about it already and he wants to add his side of the story, even if it’s only one post. It’s been a year and 2 months since D-day and time is really flying.
This year for Christmas our house will be full. We’ll welcome 3 little rascals and their great mum who happens to be my little sister. We’ll do our best to make it a memorable one and bring a little light into their life which went into a spin in the last couple of months. Her battle is harder then mine but we’ll fight it together and pray it will bring even more glory to God. Her story is in the making and maybe one day it will want to be told too. It started on Bloomsday this year, the day I started writing this blog… There have been lots of ups and downs, dreams, visions and tears. Let’s just say for the moment we are praying for the eyes and heart of her husband to be opened to see the treasure he’s about to throw away.
And I’m back to my story…
I felt a relief after Ana left. At least I wasn’t nervous walking the streets any more in case I bumped into her. There was also this crazy fear at the back of my mind that she might plot something against us or our family. Totally paranoid but I couldn’t get rid of it.
I realised we were very lucky to be able to end this whole affair like that – to send her thousands miles away. She was now far away across the sea and it made it so much easier to move forward. It is difficult to get over an affair in any circumstances but it must be almost impossible if the affair partner is still somewhere on the scene.
The concert was one of the breakthrough moments and gave us energy to keep going. On Sunday the next day, while in church on Sunday meeting, Charlie was asked to break bread. No one apart from our pastor knew what had happened. Charlie consulted it quickly with him to make sure it was ok and before he prayed over the bread he said:
“I shouldn’t be here. The only reason why I am standing here is because Jesus saved me. And if he could save me I believe he has great plans for all of us. I might say my testimony some other time but today I just want to ask the church for forgiveness for two things: first – for bearing a false witness, and second – for taking bread and wine when I was in no fit state to do it.”
I was so happy to hear those words coming from him and proud of him too for admitting in front of everyone that he wasn’t as perfect as it seemed. He didn’t need to say anything more, it wasn’t the right time or place to do it.
That Sunday was the third one in a row when we fasted. We started just before WW and continued for four weeks. Each time brought a change, more freedom, more closeness to each other and to God. The chains were being broken and prisoners set free.
What followed was days and nights filled with very honest, very personal talks. We opened to each other like never before, without masks, without hiding. We talked about our pasts, our parents, old relationships, mistakes we have made and secrets we haven’t discussed with anyone else. We read the Bible together and prayed every day. Sometimes we would get so engrossed in all of it we didn’t pay any attention to time. Once we even forgot about bringing children to school.
My trust in Charlie was severely limited though. For many weeks I was veering between being positive that we are moving on and feeling heartbroken and cheated. 3 days after Ana left Charlie had a late meeting with a client. I knew exactly where he was and with whom, plus his father was with him and still I found myself panicking suddenly while he was gone. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried. After knowing the truth about all the lies I was told in the previous year, my trust was so low that if someone had told me then, that he wasn’t at the meeting but with her, and that she never actually left but just pretended, I would have believed. I felt I couldn’t tell truth from lie anymore. I once was confident that I could but I didn’t know anything anymore now. That’s how Charlie found me when he came home. I told him how I felt and we cried together.
The word for today – 14 Dec 2015
“Godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation” 2Cor 7:10
The word ‘repent’ means to acknowledge your sin, renounce it, seek God’s forgiveness, and try to live differently. It means doing an about-face turn and heading in the opposite direction. If you go twenty miles down the road in the wrong direction, it requires doing a U-turn and coming twenty miles back. At first this can seem discouraging. But it’s profitable, because next time you’ll think twice about where you’re headed. Repentance sometimes means making restitution to others. Zacchaeus was a tax collector who got rich by overcharging people. But after he met Jesus he said, ‘If I have cheated anyone, I will pay back four times as much’ (Luke 19:8 GNT). God is more than willing to forgive you, but He may allow you to experience the painful consequences of your sin in order to motivate you towards obedience. ‘No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening – it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way’ (Hebrews 12:11 NLT). Satan will try to tell you that you are beyond the reach of God’s grace, but you’re not. The Prodigal Son wasted his inheritance and ended up in a pigsty. But the day he decided to come back home, his father ran to meet him and restored him to full sonship in the family. And God will do that for you too. ‘Let the wicked change their ways and banish the very thought of doing wrong. Let them turn to the Lord that he may have mercy on them. Yes, turn to our God, for he will forgive generously’ Isaiah 55:7-9 NLT